


The Inglourious Mercs

by Roverlord



Category: Inglourious Basterds (2009), Team Fortress 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Inglourious Basterds Fusion, Alternate Universe - World War II, And a bit of The Inglourious Basterds, Basically The Soldier's nazi killing spree, Except with the other mercs and Merasmus, Magic, Nazis, RED Medic and Merasmus are Nazis in this, References to Holocaust, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 21:51:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19450216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roverlord/pseuds/Roverlord
Summary: When the army didn't want Jane Doe, he took a road trip to Europe on his own to start a private war, with a bunch of similiarly-minded whackjobs in tow.His great mission: Kill the Nazi occultist Merasmus, and then Merasmus' boss Hitler.The plan is simple, but the actual operation gets more complex when they finally reach Berlin.It turns out the war is over, for starters, and  the Military Police is chasing them.Luckily, Merasmus and his assistants are still kicking.





	The Inglourious Mercs

**Author's Note:**

> The real names (Mostly canon i guess):
> 
> BLU Medic = Ludwig ("Lutz")  
> Soldier = Jane Doe  
> Engineer = Dell Conagher  
> Sniper = Mundy  
> Heavy = Mikhail ("Misha")  
> Demoman = Tavish Finnegan DeGroot  
> Scout = Jeremy  
> Spy= -  
> Pyro = -
> 
> RED Medic = Humboldt  
> Merasmus = -

**1945**

Lutz grouched behind the remains of a car, clutching Archimedes with shaking fingers and thinking they were all going to die.

The Nazis had gotten the word their side was losing the war and had decided to kill everybody who still lived right now, but they had been interrupted by an American with a bazooka, and now the whole camp was in flames, and both the Nazis and the attackers were running around shooting at everything they saw. The inmates who could run were long gone, but those of them who couldn't move were stuck in there and going to die.

Archimedes made frightened noises, and Lutz tried to shush the bird in vain. He froze in place when a shadow was casted over him. It was one of the guards. Lutz was too frightened to understand the growl as words, when he heard a blood-freezing bang. It was a gunshot that took a splash of the guard's blood and brain with it, the dead Nazi almost falling on Lutz. When Lutz looked up, he saw a man with a large-brimmed hat lying on a tree branch and taking aim at another guard, who seemed to be the last one.

The presumed Americans regrouped, the squad composed out of the bazooka man, the sniper, a boy, another man with a metal hand, a black man with an eyepatch, the man/woman/whatever that had set the buildings on fire, a masked man who sounded French, and an inhumanly large Russian who helped Lutz and his bird on their feet.

The bazooka man, Doe, seemed to know what Lutz's triangles meant, and didn't like them. The green one meant Lutz was a criminal. The pink one meant he was homosexual. The Russian, Misha, who had been in a death camp too, for same reason, defended Lutz and somehow made Doe back down. When Lutz looked around to see that there wasn't any living soul left except for him.

The presumed Americans decided it was a great idea to stay in there for the night, and celebrated their victory with booze. Lutz sat down next to Misha, made somewhat nervous by Doe's nonstop frothing-at the mouth ranting. When the boy, Jeremy, approached to ask why did Lutz have a green triangle (Misha swatted Jeremy aside for such a question), Lutz told them he had removed the spine of an SS officer. Without killing him first.

Doe liked that and wanted Lutz to join them in their journey to blitz Berlin and collect some scalps. Lutz didn't want any scalps, but revenge sounded good. Maybe it was the American booze or his own damaged psyche, but he thought the idea was great.

**1947**

After about an year of killing nazis with bazookas, bombs, bullets, fire, bats, daggers, and a bonesaw, they were on the trail of two big shots: An occultist Merasmus and a "scientist" Humboldt, who had apparently teamed up. Why, they didn't know. It wasn't the only bit of info they had missed.

The war had apparently ended several months ago, but Doe still wasn't convinced and most of them didn't care because their work wasn't done yet. Anyways, they were wanted men because they had killed a bunch of random people both before and after knowing that the war was over. Lutz doesn't know how do the others think or whether they think at all (Especially the flamethrower guy Pyro, none of them know what's with him/her/it or where did Doe dig him from), but if you asked Lutz and Misha, they had only killed people who deserved it. That's how Revenge works, they aren't serial killers.

Currently they're escaping the Soviet borderguards on a motorcycle and a side cart, Doe, Mundy (the sniper), the french spy, and Jeremy on the cycle and Misha, Lutz, the cyborg guy Dell, the bomb guy DeGroot (still drunk), and Pyro crammed in the side cart, the air resistance slamming Archimedes and Doe's pet raccoon in Misha's chest and Pyro's gas mask.

It It wasn't a very good motorcycle and it's engine would've sputtered out at some point anyway even without braving a gigantic hill with nine people, a bird, and a raccoon crammed on it. When it did, the bike zoomed back downhill at a blinding speed, straight at the Soviet vehicles. Somebody let out a high-pitched shriek that tore Lutz's eardrums.

"Huzzah!!" Roared Doe, apparently not realizing they were gonna crash badly and possibly blow up. Spy had dissappeared, the animals were hiding, and nobody else was doing anything. Except DeGroot, who was feverishly putting together a Molotov cocktail.

"Throw it in, Maggots!!" They did.

The Soviet cars blew up in a storm of blood, fire, and steel at the last second, and their motorcycle zipped through it all backwards, continuing down towards the marshland.

"Huzzah!!" Pyro mumbled estathically, staring at the explosion behind them.

"Stop this thing!!"

Doe managed, and Dell casually unfolded their outdated map.

**Author's Note:**

> Should i continue this?


End file.
